Difficult feelings such as anger, resentment, guilt, or shame can be challenging to experience and to manage. In fact, we often try our best to rid of the feelings by either avoiding, suppressing, or projecting them. They can feel daunting and relentless especially when we find we are stuck in the feelings due to attachment of distorted, self-defeating thoughts. This energy keeps us cycling in confusion and suffering. We may then project the feelings on to others behaving in ways we regret.
However, with a change of perspective rather than condemning and hating these types of feelings it is possible to respect, even welcome, their presence. They are actually cuing an imbalance of your external and internal wellbeing. These feelings are providing an opportunity for healing unresolved past experiences and a lesson for further growth towards your highest potential.
How do you release the attachment to difficult feelings? An effective way is to cut the negative cords or attachments between you, another person, place, or even situation. Cutting cords is not an act out of spite, but rather out of love. It clears the energy and brings balance to your energetic presence.
Others’ negative attachments are for them to heal and to resolve. If the cord stays attached to you, then you are blocking an opportunity for their healing. Staying attached may promote co-dependency of relying on external people or situations for feeling “good” and/or blaming external people or situations for feeling “bad”. This holds true for any negative cords you have attached to yourself due to your own distorted, self-defeating thoughts. You can become co-dependent on your thoughts or a way of feeling.
The following are three steps to cutting negative cords. It is most beneficial to apply this skill when you have the space, patience, and willingness to explore the experience with curiosity and compassion.
1) TAKE RESPONSIBILITY
As previously stated, accept the presence of these difficult feelings as a cue you are out of balance. If an external circumstance triggered these feelings, then ask yourself, “when have I felt this before”? Take inventory of your past and see if you’ve acted similar towards either someone else or even towards yourself. Most likely any anger or resentment you have for another’s behavior is a reflection of an internal distorted, self-defeating thought or belief.
For example, if you find yourself getting irritated with a “know it all” or someone acting superior there may be an aspect of yourself you believe is a “know it all” or has the potential to be a “know it all” that you have not fully accepted, but actually rejected. Your rejection of an aspect of yourself creates anger and resentment even guilt and shame towards yourself and others. This rejection cultivates self-defeating thoughts leading to negative and harsh self-talk. This cycle can actually manifest adverse external circumstances and negative feedback loops. Acceptance is about loving every part of you. It also brings awareness which then offers a choice to either act on or not act on that aspect of yourself. If you choose to act it out, then awareness also offers a choice of how from a place of love or lack.
Another element in taking responsibility is to explore during the exchange if you felt disempowered. The presence of anger, resentment, even guilt may also be the result of not having your needs met and/or giving your power away. Consult your mind for any thoughts of disempowerment (i.e. “I feel restricted”; “I don’t matter anyways”; “I feel small so I must be small”; or “I’m stupid”). From this space of acknowledgement the difficult feelings can be transformed into empowerment by setting boundaries or voicing your needs which will be explained further below. Use your voice from a place of worthiness and love. Understand neither of you are higher or lower than the other, but perceiving an experience differently.
Taking responsibility for your part doesn’t excuse others’ poor behavior, but promotes compassion as they are a reflection of us and what needs to be healed within us. Rather than feeling victimized, you regain your power. This awareness interrupts a negative feedback loop due to a change in perspective allowing a positive shift in the energy between you. Awareness offers an opportunity for forgiveness especially of yourself and an opportunity for reflecting back clarity and love creating a positive feedback loop.
2) FORGIVE AND MEDITATE WITH IMAGERY
Prior to forgiving and cutting the cords, it is helpful to have an understanding for the negative behavior. Most likely it was rooted in fear or hurt. For example, you may find empathetic thoughts such as: “I or they reacted with anger out of fear”; “I made you feel small because I’m afraid or because I feel small”; or “I shut you out because I was hurt”. Upon this awareness you are already offering compassion.
Forgiveness typically starts with you. Upon understanding the adverse behavior as a reflection of yourself and/or of disempowerment, comfort yourself like comforting a child, loved one, or pet who is scared or hurt. Offer unconditional love in the form of loving feelings, sensations, visual mental imagery, or all of the above. Saying to yourself, “I understand why you reacted the way you did because you were afraid or hurt OR I understand why you gave your power away, I forgive you, I love you”.
The key to cutting negative cords is to do so with unconditional love. It is helpful to utilize visual mental or mind’s eye imagery and symbolism to imagine the cutting of negative cords. I call upon Archangel Michael and imagine his blue sword of light severing the cords above, below, side, front, and back of me that were attached to a person or circumstance. I see the cords release and fade away as I offer love and positive intentions for their transcendence. I imagine the cords are not dissolving below or above me, but on equal level remembering love has no hierarchy. I see a bright light like a star in my core and the same with the other person or situation. As our lights become brighter and radiate rays of luminous, white light the space between is filled with absolute unconditional love.
You may utilize whatever mental imagery resonates with you most. This skill will not be effective if you try to release the cords with anger, resentment, or guilt.
3) SET BOUNDARIES
From this place of clarity and love, take your power back and set appropriate boundaries to protect yourself from potential negative cords in the future. This again is an act of love by taking care of yourself which in turn takes care of others. Boundaries can take many forms and will be unique to the circumstance.
Boundaries can be internal like a shift in perspective or feeling empowered (i.e. “I don’t like feeling restricted so I will invite others who encourage my expansiveness and let go of those who don’t” or “I matter and do not deserve this treatment”). Another type of internal boundary may be a vow that you will replenish yourself and open yourself to receiving if you have a tendency to be an over-giver. Boundaries can be external such as letting go or creating space between you and others or situations due to toxicity or negativity. Expressing your needs is also a way to set an internal or external boundary (i.e. “I need to speak my truth”; “I need space alone”; “I need time to focus on my passion”; or “It is not OK for you to speak to me in that way”, etc.).
If you feel guilty for setting boundaries, please realize others can take care of themselves when you say “no” just as you are taking care of yourself. You are actually robbing them of the opportunity to do so. In fact, by not setting boundaries you teach them to be co-dependent upon you which is not serving either one of you. This applies to setting boundaries with able body and mentally stable people. Although, as a caregiver it is still vital to set boundaries that support your wellbeing so that you are able to care for your loved one to the best of your ability (i.e. giving yourself time for respite, hobbies, passions, etc.).
It is essential to set boundaries again with unconditional love and worthiness and not hate or unworthiness. The energy of the boundary matters. Set with hate or unworthiness you may notice others will continue to cross or even destroy your boundaries. Set with love they will learn to respect and honor your boundaries or just let you go. Please note if you are setting boundaries within a co-dependent relationship there is a potential the other party may cling tighter or lash out for a period of time as they are adjusting to the shift in energy. Also, if you are currently in an unsafe environment, your physical and emotional wellbeing are always first prior to implementing this entire skill. It is recommended you take necessary measures to ensure your safety by seeking safety with people or services you trust.
Cutting cords is also beneficial to use any time you’ve been surrounded by any type of negativity whether it’s your own or others (i.e. envy, jealousy, hate, etc.). I actually use it to cut cords of my own self-defeating thoughts or when I noticed I felt depleted after interacting with others or from a situation or a place. When someone comes to me for guidance, I typically cleanse myself with this skill after our interaction to release any attachments either one of us has made so we know we are working with our own energy and not confused by the other’s energy.
You may find as you practice this skill, you can have gratitude for the person or circumstance that brought you the lesson. They have provided you an opportunity to grow deeper into your truth and to align with your Higher Self and to the Divine.
MY EXPERIENCE USING THE COPING SKILL
I sought guidance from a spiritual teacher. I immediately was feeling irritated and angry in her presence. I noticed a power struggle forming between us. She was direct and offering teachings that I’ve already learned. I felt she was “condescending” and I felt belittled. I was aware that I wasn’t receiving her teachings well because “I already knew it”.
After our session, I explored the feelings deeper. I realized her “condescending” approach is something I often worry about when I offer others guidance. I would “hate” to think I was condescending in any way. I worry if others perceive me as a “know it all” or teaching from a superior place. I realized my irritation towards her was a potential aspect of myself I would “hate”.
I found the experience was also a beautiful teaching tool to take my power back and to set boundaries. I realized when someone acts superior, sometimes I submit by giving my power away so they feel good in the moment. I listened to her with anger and resentment and left feeling empty rather than standing in my worth and using my voice. I could have voiced to her I understand what she was teaching, but I wanted to know more about something else or voiced that her approach felt harsh. I realized in that moment, I am also a spiritual teacher and to stop pretending like I am not and to not be afraid of shining my light. Upon this internal dialogue, I established a boundary of empowerment and a vow to stand in worthiness.
I forgave myself for regressing into an old childhood pattern of letting others dominate me to where I feel like I don’t have a voice. I also forgave myself for “hating” a potential aspect of myself of superiority. I don’t have to act it out, but just love every part of me or I can choose how I act it out from a place of love rather than lack.
I then called upon Archangel Michael to help me cut any remaining negative cords. With the aid of Archangel Michael’s sword of light the cords were severed between us and I saw the attachment dissolve into unconditional love. As the light within us both radiated brighter and brighter, the space between was filled with warm, luminous white light. It was done. I knew I had released her from my energy so that she and I both may be free.
Thank you Spirit for providing an opportunity for healing.
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The purpose of this blog is to share with you how I integrate my professional mental health experience, personal experience, and spiritual awareness in the form of coping skills. By sharing my experience, it is my hope it will provide a practical example how to interrupt and eventually resolve the cyclic energy of suffering and to elevate your energy! Please visit my Facebook page: Divine Healing: Poetry and Coping Skills (https://www.facebook.com/DivineHealing.Poetry.Coping) or my website: http://divinehealingmastery.com to learn more about me and to read my poetry.
PLEASE BE ADVISED
The coping skills provided in this blog are meant as a tool to aid in healing and not for psychotherapy or social work practice requiring a contractual, professional relationship. If you need consistent therapeutic care and/or crisis intervention due to being at risk of harming yourself or others, then seek professional and/or emergency services immediately.
These skills work best when you are ready to heal. It is OK if you are not quite ready. Please be gentle and patient with yourself. You will heal when you are ready. Sending you so much love, warmth, and compassion.
© Stacy L. Pintor 2016. All Rights Reserved.
(No part of this blog may be reproduced without written permission from the author.)