PREFACE
I decided to revisit each of my blog posts many years after I originally posted them to update and revise as needed. I’m finding two things, I wish I had an editor and I want to soften the tone of the information I’m sharing. To be honest, the last thing I want to sound is preachy or righteous because I am forever learning the depths of my soul. I think when I first wrote the posts, I was excited to share a practice that worked for me so it may have come across that way. I want to revise a few things so it’s more about sharing my personal experience and what I’ve learned on my journey.
I’m a firm believer in experiencing all aspects of self, even the darkness, and the darkest part of self. I’m learning that experiencing this darkness, which I like to refer to as the ebb in the soul’s current, does take strength and lots of compassion as you care for your soul wounds. The soul healing practices are skills and practices I’ve developed during my journey that helped in navigating through the darkness, and assisted in shifting from ebb to flow with rest and integration in between.
The practices are psychospiritual in nature, and are a mix of my personal experience and prior professional mental health background (as a licensed clinical social worker). All of my practices involve connecting with the elevated mind and sacred heart through awareness, imagination, visualization, and meditation. These soul healing practices continue to evolve and change just as my soul is growing and expanding.
There is of course no guarantee that the practices will work for you, but if you do try any of the practices, I encourage you to experiment in order to make it your own. Listen to your inner wisdom and change or refine the practice as needed so it completely resonates with your soul. Also, all of my practices need to be at your pace, so again listen to your inner knowing and honor it.
My sacred journey is not less or more significant than anyone else’s, my only motivation for sharing is to inspire self-transformation and to offer support for your unique and sacred journey. Please forgive any editorial mistakes for this is as good as it will get without an editor ;). This is what I’ve learned along the way.
SOUL HEALING PRACTICE BACKGROUND
What is codependency? I’ve learned through my professional and personal work that codependency can be defined in simple terms as a dishonest relationship. I like to describe it as giving so much hoping to receive the same in return or taking so much hoping to be taken care of. I’m using the phrase “so much” to distinguish when codependency becomes problematic because mutual exchange of giving and receiving are core and vital elements of a loving and honest relationship. Codependency becomes stressful and burdensome when you get lost in the “so much” and there is dishonesty in honoring your sacred truth. Your sacred truth includes your emotional, mental, and physical needs and desires in relation to another person, situation, circumstance, or even with yourself. Other psychosocial factors and addictions can contribute to and compound codependency, but ultimately it sifts down to dishonesty, especially dishonesty with yourself.
The dishonesty may lead to behaviors such as feeling obligated to take care of others’ needs and feelings above your own or expecting the other to take care of your needs and feelings above all else. The ‘other’ doesn’t have to be another person it can be a number of things that may include your environment, your work, money, alcohol, recreational or illicit drugs, your mind, and so on. Simply an imbalance of mutual reciprocity of giving and receiving typically as a result from a sense of inadequacy, where the expectation is that external elements will fill the uncomfortable and anxiety-driven black hole of internal lack.
In my experience, a codependent relationship includes two main roles, an ‘over-giver’ and an ‘over-taker’. Typically, as an ‘over-giver’ you abandon yourself in the relationship to a point where your needs and desires don’t matter, and as an ‘over-taker’ you dominate and manipulate in order to get what you want in a relationship usually in non-reciprocal and even hurtful ways.
Don’t get me wrong, most relationships may contain elements of codependency. Often, we may oscillate between both, but one role tends to over shadow the other role leading to the potential of becoming an emotional, mental, and behavioral pattern. As alluded to earlier, this pattern becomes burdensome when one of the roles is set as a default or automatic response where you are no longer aware of the role, and honesty with self gets lost in the relationship.
I will discuss the difference of each role with definitions that resonate with my personal experience, and what I’ve seen and treated when I was providing therapy. There are definitely other ways to define codependency so please investigate and do your own research, but this is just what I’ve learned and found.
THE ‘OVER-GIVER’
The ‘over-giver’ is overly dependent on others to feel needed, worthy, or loved. I too have struggled with the ‘over-giver’ pattern. You expect your external world (other people, situations, things, or circumstances) to supply you with a sense of worth without learning to strengthen your own worth from within. Perhaps your emotional needs weren’t met early in life, but you may have been rewarded for overly giving to others so this learned behavior led to a pattern of compromising your wellbeing for the sake of others and giving way more than you receive. Giving can include the giving of your time, your emotional support, your physical support, or even your own agency and power, and so on. It can also be allowing others to dump their burdens, pain, and anger onto you without responsibility for their own emotional distress or any reciprocity in the relationship.
Eventually it catches up to you and you may begin to harbor feelings of anger and resentment, experience energetic depletion, or even become physically ill. These are cues you are out of balance and not in alignment with your sacred truth or divine self. By pleasing and taking care of others above your own needs, it then becomes more and more difficult for you to identify your needs and desires outside of the giver role. You may even find it difficult to authentically receive without feeling like you need to give in return, typically this response is rooted in unworthiness.
The use of the term ‘over-giver’ is intentional because giving and caring is a substantial form of love in relationships and does provide a sense of purpose and worth, but it depends on the energy fueling it. The question then becomes is the energy sourced from a place of self-worth, unconditional love, and joy or is it from lack, guilt (obligation), fear of abandonment, or unworthiness. Fear or lack energy will eventually attract others or circumstances that manifest more fear and lack. Basically sending an energetic signal or frequency that your needs and feelings don’t matter. Hence, you may attract dishonest, manipulative people or situations who expect you to take care of them or misuse your giving heart for their personal gain. A fear of abandonment or rejection tends to lead to these non-reciprocal and/or abusive type of relationships, but ultimately you are the one to abandon yourself in the relationship.
Honesty in relationship with yourself is the first step in healing any type of relationship whether it’s with another person, thing, situation, or circumstance. Signs you may be in an ‘over-giver’ role can include: feeling guilty for saying ‘no’, feeling guilty, afraid, or unworthy of expressing your truth and needs, feeling angry and resentment towards someone or a circumstance that takes from you often, or feeling depleted after interacting with another person or situation. These are only examples and you may identify other signs that are unique to you. It is quite beneficial to check in with your body and emotions. Your physical and emotional bodies are a superb alert system when there is an imbalance.
The following questions are also helpful in strengthening your awareness, but please do experiment with your own questions and curiosity so this internal work truly becomes your own unique and sacred journey. Are you receiving as much as you are giving? Do you have a heavy sinking feeling or dread when someone wants to spend time with you or a light, joyful feeling? Is your body tense or relaxed, or do you notice pains in your body such as in your shoulders, neck, jaw, back, or head, or even nausea when in the presence of someone or in a certain environment or situation? Do you feel depleted and tired or at peace and uplifted after spending time with someone or in a certain environment or situation? Does something feel “off” and you can’t quite put your finger on it? Listen to this, it is a cue that dishonesty is present and you are potentially abandoning your intuition and defaulting to over-giving behavior. Lastly, what are you seeking from the external that you feel you can’t give to yourself? Keep in mind, some of these questions or your own unique questions can be modified to address things other than interpersonal relationships like your job, money, a habit, your own mind, and so on.
THE ‘OVER-TAKER’
The ‘over-taker’ is overly dependent on others to feel more powerful, fulfilled, or safe. You expect the external world (other people, things, situations, or circumstances) to fulfill your emotional, mental, and physical needs without much concern for the other’s feelings or needs. This overdependence is partly due to not learning how to be present with, take care of, or express your own feelings and needs, resulting in an avoidance of taking care of yourself from within. Perhaps your emotional needs were also not met early in life and you struggled to measure up to familial, relational, or external expectations so you now expect other people/situations to be your supplier of attention, power, happiness, security, or even distractions.
You tend to dominate or manipulate in order to keep the supply flowing to you. Often getting stuck in a place of lack, negativity, and constantly blaming others when things don’t go your way so people will come to your rescue and continue to give to you. It is manipulation because you may use guilt, self-pity, anger, even charm and humor to get what you want, or you minimally meet the other’s needs casting a facade that you are giving in the relationship to keep the other person or situation giving more. The manipulation is most likely an attempt to gain power and control due to an aspect of yourself that feels quite small, insignificant, or weak.
The use of the term ‘over-taker’ is intentional because receiving is a form of love and a vital component in healthy, balanced relationships. However, when this energy is imbalanced it may lead to recklessly projecting needy, guilt-driven energy, or anger onto to others expecting them to carry the burden, to resolve it for you, or for them to constantly fill you up emotionally and mentally. The behavior of an ‘over-taker’ like the ‘over-giver’ is based in a sense of internal lack rather than from authentic empowerment and self-love. You are stating something like, I don’t trust myself to give myself what I need or desire from within, or I don’t trust myself in taking care of my uncomfortable feelings or I don’t know how to take care of my feelings, or perhaps it may sound something like, I was never good enough for you, but I’ll get what I want now. As previously stated, you may tend to seek it from the external by punishing and manipulating others to bulk you up emotionally in order to feel more powerful and secure.
Again, honesty in relationship with yourself is the first step in healing any type of relationship. The following questions are helpful in strengthening your awareness and identifying signs you may be in an ‘over-taker’ role. Please do experiment with your own questions and curiosity so this internal work truly becomes your own unique and sacred journey. Do you dominate conversations? Do you complain the majority of the time or constantly blame others for your discomfort? Is the conversation mostly about you? Do you actively listen to the other person or are you waiting for them to pause so you can speak again? Do you always want to be around someone because they make you feel happy and at ease almost like you are addicted to them? Do you feel powerful or secure when someone or something is always attending to your needs and desires, do you always expect them to do so? Are you continuously drawn to someone you perceive as weak because they make you feel angry and superior, justifying a need to control them and to feel more powerful? Do you only give gifts or compliments in order to get your needs met or to keep the person around? These gifts can be in any form from material, verbal, or emotional. And finally, what are you seeking from the external that you feel you can’t give to yourself? Again, some of these questions or your own unique questions can be modified to address things other than interpersonal relationships.
SOUL HEALING PRACTICE
As alluded to earlier, the absolute core and foundation of the soul healing practice is to heal and strengthen the relationship with self in order to heal codependent emotional, mental, and behavioral patterns. Getting to know yourself involves experimentation in determining what best works for you and resonates with you. This is the most honest relationship you can have in my opinion because you are giving yourself the time and effort to explore what makes you feel empowered, balanced, and aligned. This type of compassionate and honest energy you provide yourself sends a clear energetic message of what you desire to attract.
The soul healing practice focuses on nurturing an honest relationship with self built on compassion, understanding, acceptance, and love. I will be referencing some of my other soul healing practices included in this blog because basically my entire blog is about cultivating soul alchemy, a union of the heart and mind. I will also mention in further detail a foundational way to develop a loving and trusting relationship with self is through a daily meditation. My daily meditation has been paramount in not only how I am able to manage my daily stress, but ultimately in understanding and connecting to my inner knowing and wisdom.
Regardless where you may land on the codependency spectrum, you are giving yourself this opportunity, an opportunity to have a sacred and honest relationship with self. As you are building this sacred relationship you will be guided to more self-empowerment and self-love. This path will lead to being more inclined to set firmer boundaries in relationships, even boundaries towards yourself. Most codependent patterns are not able to survive when empowered and reciprocal boundaries are established in relationships. Boundaries towards self may include, but not limited to: interrupting self-limiting and defeating thoughts, slowing and stopping impulsive behaviors that may cause distress or harm to yourself or others, becoming more aware of how you speak to yourself including your tone of voice, and other ways that you may identify.
Breaking the cycle or pattern of codependency first requires introspection and self-reflection. It includes becoming more aware of your thoughts and feelings, and being curious about your behaviors and the motives behind them. It is not helpful to condemn or punish yourself if you do find you have overly codependent behaviors. Self-awareness opens the door to soul freedom providing an opportunity to liberate yourself from a mindset that has kept you bound and dishonest. By learning to see and accept all facets of yourself (the shadow and light), and ultimately loving all these aspects, you completely stop the codependency cycle because you no longer need or expect others to fill the voids you perceive are present within you. Accepting your shadow aspects doesn’t mean to indulge or act upon them, it is a way to reduce its power over you.
Eventually the tendency to solely seek validation, love, security, acceptance, respect, or support from the external will lessen as these aspects are illuminated and strengthened within you. The external and other people can provide validation or reminders of your potential, but ultimately they can’t provide it for you. It is all within you, what is sought is already there, it then becomes a matter of believing it to be true. Soul maturity and self-empowerment takes time to go within and to see ALL of it. It is a practice of being compassionate with your soul’s experience and allowing the soul’s current to flow, the ebb and flow, without too much attachment to either experience.
A helpful technique in building more compassion, acceptance, and love of self can start through breath. I mention the following breathing techniques quite often in my other blog posts (probably in all of them) because of how powerful I believe them to be. I also include the breathing exercises in my daily meditation. These types of breathing practices are helpful in opening the door to change which is needed when healing and building a relationship with self.
I like to start with a four-count breath technique, where I count to four as I inhale expanding the lower belly (1, 2, 3, 4) and count four backwards as I exhale slowly (4, 3, 2, 1), repeating as needed. I then follow with intentional breathing: as I slowly inhale I say to myself I am and on the exhale I say calm, continuing the practice on the inhale saying I am and on the exhale saying safe, breathing in I am and breathing out empowered, breathing in I am and breathing out love, breathing in I am and breathing out light, and finally breathing in I am and breathing out free. You can end this practice with the following statement or intention: I trust myself, I believe in myself. Remember with this practice to bring the breath all the way down to your lower belly and not just to your chest. The breath not only gives life to the intention, but also helps to anchor it into your soul’s vibration. If you like this technique, I also suggest experimenting with the intentions so it totally resonates with you and gives you a sense of calm, and a feeling of being centered, nurtured, and empowered. By making any practice your own, you are listening to your inner guidance, are connecting with your sacred divine self, and aligning with your unique wisdom and soul’s vibration.
After nurturing yourself with some breathing exercises perhaps the door to change has been opened just a bit wider to begin understanding the internal adjustments that are necessary to break codependent patterns. These adjustments are revealed by getting to know yourself with more honesty. How do you get to know yourself, you can start by asking yourself questions and initiating a dialogue similar to getting to know another person or situation. For example, when you spend time with someone or spend time in a certain situation or environment, ask yourself, am I truly being honest with myself in how I feel with this person or situation, are my behaviors authentic and rooted in honesty with self; am I seeking the ‘other’ to take care of me or to fill me up emotionally or to feel more powerful; am I avoiding something within myself by overly giving to this person or situation; does this bring me happiness and joy; and/or do I feel confident and empowered from within? When someone wants to spend time with you or asks something of you, ask yourself, do I truly want to do this and/or does this bring me happiness and joy? It’s helpful to periodically ask yourself in any type of relationship, am I growing and expanding in this relationship or situation; what am I learning; is this relationship a mutual exchange of giving and receiving; do I feel empowered in this relationship; and/or is this relationship truly bringing me joy? These questions are meant to be a guide in your exploration, but if they don’t quite resonate, then please revise, refine, or change the questions so they uniquely fit you and your sacred journey.
Another question to discover any core beliefs that could be driving the codependent patterns is to simply ask, why am I so afraid to lose this relationship or situation? A helpful technique in discovering core beliefs is to do a simple written exercise. Write the question (why am I so afraid to lose this relationship) in the center of piece of paper and circle it. Next allow your mind to answer the question uncensored with automatic responses, and write them all around the circle. Then review the responses and circle the one that hurts the most or is the most distressing and/or triggering. This may be a thought or feeling leading to the core belief or it is the core belief that’s energizing your codependent patterns. This technique is also great in uncovering core beliefs from any type of question from pet peeves to major stressors. In order to fully process your findings from this written technique follow up by doing the soul healing practice described in my post, “The Art of Empowering Your Mind” (15 March 2016). In this post you will learn how to challenge the validity of disempowering and limiting core thoughts/beliefs and to identify more empowering thoughts/beliefs. If the written exercise caused any distress, then take care of yourself by doing the four-count and/or intentional breathing exercises to calm your nervous system.
As mentioned earlier, besides getting to know yourself through internal dialogue another foundational element for building upon soul maturity and self-empowerment is a daily meditation, and the many soul healing practices I share in this entire blog. For me, I do a daily meditation that establishes a sacred soul boundary, and energizes and aligns my soul with source creator, my sacred divine self, and mother goddess (earth). This meditation helps me to feel protected, connected, and empowered from above and below. It is a combination of visualizations, intentions, energy center (chakra) alignment, energy work, and manifestation work that uniquely and sacredly resonates with me.
If you are like me, I too said, “who has the time or patience to meditate?”, but I persevered in making meditation a daily practice. I learned to make more time for it which then became so vital I wanted to make time in order to start my day from an internal space of feeling more safe, protected, and in harmony with my sacred divine self. I also experimented with all different meditation styles until I found what worked for me. I suggest the same for you. I currently use a hybrid of various meditation styles, and made it uniquely my own. I also found because I prefer visualizations and intentions in my meditation that the content changes over time as my soul grows and evolves. I did notice at first I was resistant to allowing it to naturally change because I have a tendency to want to keep it the same out of control or fear (just a little caveat in case you are similar). This resistance was just another practice of surrendering to my soul’s natural current. I will mention elements of my daily meditation below. You can also find elements of my meditation in other blog posts and on my Instagram @bare.soul.poetry.
Once you’ve built a loving and more empowered space from within, you will be more inclined to set appropriate boundaries to ensure reciprocity which also will energetically invite other people and circumstances that emulate the same deep love and integrity. I will give an example of how to set different types of interpersonal boundaries in the section below (my experience with the soul healing practice), but I always begin by setting an energetic soul boundary. This energetic soul boundary is included in my daily meditation and has been the foundation for feeling more empowered and safe. I provide a variation of this type of boundary in my blog post, “How to Transform Anger into Empowerment” (3 Mar 2017), specifically Practice 1. Also, visit my post, “Cutting the Cords to Suffering” (19 July 2016), to learn more on setting internal and external boundaries.
In addition to the internal and external boundaries, a quick practice to help create more reciprocity with your external world is to visualize giving love freely and openly, and receiving love freely and openly with gratitude and authenticity. I like to do a visualization that includes intentions to help cultivate this mutual exchange of energy. I do include a variation of this practice also in my daily meditation. As always, if any of the imagery or intentions doesn’t quite resonate with you, then please make changes so it truly resonates with your soul.
With all my soul healing practices I like to begin with the four-count breath and intentional breathing. Once you feel more calm and settled, visualize a golden sphere of light shining in your heart center that feels warm, nurturing, and protective. Breathe into the golden sphere of light several times with slow deep breaths, and then imagine it expanding larger and larger so it completely extends outside of you and surrounds you. In this sphere you feel safe, loved, and protected. Now bring your attention back to the core of the golden sphere residing in your heart center, and imagine a column of light extending down through your lower energy centers, and beyond your feet so it anchors into the earth’s core where you feel firmly rooted and stable. Next see a column of light from the golden sphere’s core extending up through your upper energy centers beyond your crown to source creator or whatever you resonate with so you feel connected to an energy that is wise, holy, and magical.
In this elevated space, visualize opening your arms wide as you give loving energy and/or light outside of you, and see the energy radiate with compassion as it expands way beyond you. I like to say the following intention: it is safe to give love freely and openly without fear. Now visualize you are receiving loving energy and/or light as you bring your arms and hands to your heart, and imagine this energy is filling you up completely so you feel nurtured, satisfied, and happy. I like to say the intention: it is safe to receive love freely and openly with gratitude and authenticity because I truly deserve it. I do this glorious exchange of energy seven times (seven is my lucky number). You can close the visualization by redirecting your attention back to how you feel in the sphere, hopefully you still feel safe, empowered, and lifted.
One last note, if you are currently in a codependent relationship or situation, your partner or the circumstance may not be ready for or even understand your honesty or any boundaries you may set. Codependent relationships can be healed, but it takes two partners or parties who are actively willing to heal their own codependent emotional, mental, and behavioral patterns. If the other is not quite ready to heal, then it may require you to let go of certain aspects of the relationship or completely let go or end the relationship all together, while honoring your integrity and authenticity. The key is to let go with unconditional love. In doing so, you are offering compassion which mirrors the compassion you have for the shadow aspect within yourself. And when ready, you can eventually have genuine gratitude for the relationship as it provided an opportunity to affirm your own empowerment and self-love. A helpful practice in letting go or releasing anything that is holding you back is to do energetic cord cutting. Visit my post, “Cutting the Cords to Suffering” (19 July 2016), for a more detailed description of this soul healing practice.
If you are currently in an unsafe or abusive relationship, your physical and emotional wellbeing are always first before implementing a firm external boundary. It is the utmost priority for you to seek safety first and implement a safety plan prior to externally or physically ending a relationship. Seek professional help, people you trust, and agencies that are there to help you develop a safety plan. Please research professional services and agencies available to you in your area.
SOUL HEALING PRACTICE CLOSING
I like to close each soul healing practice with another visualization, especially if the practice doesn’t include an energetic shield/boundary. If the practice does include a protective sphere of light, then adjust this closing visualization to complement the practice. The closing visualization may also be a stand alone practice. The intent is to further cleanse any residual blocks or burdens, calm the soul, restore optimal functioning, and realign the soul as above, so below.
Visualize a disk of purifying, white light that is above you and is large enough to fit both your body and energetic field. The purpose of the disk is to scan your body and energetic field while it simultaneously moves any residual mental, emotional, physical, and energetic blocks or burdens. The energy will be moved out and drained like an energetic faucet as it disappears into the void. The intention of the energy as it disappears is to be transmuted and transcended into the sacred whole which includes your soul’s oneness or harmony.
As you continue the visualization, imagine the purifying disk of light descending down towards you and begins to scan your upper energetic field and extends outward to capture your entire energetic field as it moves down your body, starting with your head, down your shoulders, down each arm, and out each hand. Visualize any blocks or burdens draining out of your hands (like a faucet). You can imagine the energy as darker energy flowing out. Once you feel it is complete or see the energy begin to trickle stop the flow from your hands. Bring your attention back to your shoulders and continue the scan down your chest, your abdomen to the pelvic area, down each leg, and out each foot. Again visualize any blocks or burdens draining out from your feet, once you feel it is complete or see the energy begin to trickle then stop the flow. Now take a moment to visualize your entire body and energetic field are now cleansed and cleaned.
Next say to yourself, CALM, and visualize and feel every cell of your body and particle of your energetic field is calming like a pristine, quiet mountain lake with no movement. Just calm and quiet. Take a few deep belly breaths to savor this feeling of calmness. Next, say to yourself, HEAL, followed by optimal health and functioning, and golden light are restored, visualize every cell of your body and particle of your energetic field is now filled with sparkling golden light as you are glowing and vibrating with this golden energy. Visualize the golden energy extends outward to form a sphere of light that now surrounds you. The sphere of light may change colors, any color of your choosing. Again, take a few deep belly breaths to savor this energy of renewal, strength, and empowerment.
Lastly, visualize a column of golden threads above you descending down through you and exiting out your feet, continuing down into the earth to be deeply anchored into the earth’s core so you feel secured, stable, and grounded (you can add imagery of golden roots or similar extending from your feet to be anchored into the earth’s core). Next see a violet light doing the same, and finally a pure white light doing the same. The intent of the columns are to align you above and below, so you feel both grounded and elevated. You may close the visualization by saying to yourself three intentions, for example I say: I am powerful, I am magical, I am healing, and as I say each intention I visualize myself growing taller, stronger, and feeling more empowered.
As a last note and most likely suggested in the description of the soul healing practice, do experiment with, change, refine the practice as needed so it truly resonates with your soul, becomes your personal practice, and evolves and changes with you. By making the practice your own, you are listening to your inner guidance, are connecting with your sacred divine self, and aligning with your unique wisdom and soul’s vibration.
MY EXPERIENCE WITH THE SOUL HEALING PRACTICE
My experience with the soul healing practice is primarily focused on an ‘over-giver’ role because that has been my pattern and experience in relationships for a long time. I’ve found through my internal work that my tendency for this codependent pattern was birthed and rooted in a low sense of worth, definitely having origins in my childhood. From a young age, I internalized in order to feel accepted and loved that I needed to take care of other people’s needs and feelings above my own or to give up my power (doing what others wanted or expected of me) because in doing so I was rewarded for being a “good girl”. Over time this conditioning led to feeling like my emotional needs didn’t matter as much. This perpetuated into a hefty dose of disempowerment and people-pleasing in all my relationships to include familial, interpersonal, school, work, and so on.
In my sacred journey, I’ve come to know the difference when I give from self-worth and unconditional love or from guilt, obligation, or fear. The distinction presents as a feeling and/or body sensations. It would often show up as either a heavy sinking feeling in my abdomen, a feeling of dread or resentment, feeling depleted, or sharp pains in my left shoulder when I was over-giving from a sense of internal lack. By listening to my emotional and physical body, I became more aware of my codependent patterns and was ready to set firmer boundaries because the burdens of anger, resentment, fatigue, and emotional depletion was getting to heavy to carry.
As mentioned several times before, my daily meditation which includes an energetic soul boundary is vital in helping me feel aligned, empowered, safe, and protected, and as a result has made setting interpersonal and external boundaries easier. For me, the core foundation and intention of the boundaries was to affirm the lessening and eventually resolving the pattern of giving from a place of guilt, obligation, or fear so that I am fully honest in all of my relationships, one by one. In my experience, over-giving also included allowing others to dump their burdens, pain, and anger onto to me without any responsibility or reciprocity. I endured a long cycle of minimal to no mutual reciprocity in all of my relationships: familial, interpersonal, school, work, and even my relationship with money. My over-giving patterns definitely did not resolve “over night”, it took a lot of patience and compassion for myself as I was building more self-awareness, and more self-empowerment to set such boundaries. But I persevered because every little breakthrough made it worthwhile.
Besides the energetic soul boundary, establishing other types of boundaries starts by feeling it in my body. If it doesn’t feel right in my heart, body, and/or intuition, then I say an honest ‘no’ and do my best to drop the guilt for saying ‘no’. Dropping the guilt also takes practice, but it eventually gets easier when you feel more worthy and deserving. An honest ‘no’ or ‘yes’ for me is to not make excuses for my answer in an attempt to protect or take care of the other’s feelings. The following are examples of some boundaries I’ve practiced over the years either by expressing it out loud or just affirming it within myself: I won’t be able to help today, I need to take care of myself for today; you have my full attention to vent for half the lunch, but then let’s talk about something else; that sounds frustrating, what did you learn from it or what’s your plan to find joy again; I feel like you are not actively listening to me so it makes me feel like I’m unimportant to you; and you will not project your anger onto me I don’t deserve it. However, sometimes a simple, ‘no’, or allowing yourself space in between interactions and being less available may be enough in honoring your soul’s truth and needs. For more on setting boundaries again visit my blog post, “Cutting the Cords to Suffering” (19 July 2016).
I now practice saying ‘yes’ to experiences that are a reciprocal exchange of giving and receiving in order to honor the balance within myself. Not ‘yes’ because I’m afraid of hurting their feelings or making sure they stay around by over-giving. I’ve learned through my internal work that this pattern was driven by a fear of loss even if their presence was not aligned with my highest potential. Initially, I discovered this fear was attached to a core belief that anchored into my heart and mind from a deep and devastating soul wound of the unexpected death of my husband. The core belief was hidden under the thought, I don’t want to be left behind or left out, which led to, I’m always left behind and I’m always left out, and finally sifting down to I’m unworthy. I uncovered the core belief by doing the written exercise as described earlier (question and circle), and by following up with the soul healing practice illustrated in my post, “The Art of Empowering Your Mind” (15 March 2016). I was then able to challenge the validity of the belief finding it to be not 100% true, and identified a more empowering thought to practice which eventually became a new belief. I also realized this core belief was actually embedded in my soul from childhood, but was dramatically triggered by the death of my husband.
If I do regress into old behaviors, then I lovingly forgive myself and realign with my sacred divine self. A quick act of forgiveness can simply be acknowledging the regression by adding compassion and a bit of light-hearted humor such as, “yep, I did it again :)), time to shift the energy and honor myself”. Your tone of voice in how you speak to yourself matters in making the shift. It’s helpful if the tone is similar to compassionately and lovingly correcting a child, a friend, or a pet. My daily meditation and the other soul healing practices included in this blog have also made compassion and forgiveness of self more of an automatic response, then the old relentless self-punishment.
For me the questions, do I truly want to do this or does this bring me happiness and joy, are also quite effective in setting boundaries. These questions are an act of validating my worth. Basically declaring my needs and feelings are just as important as everyone else’s. Reminding myself, if they can’t accept my honesty and if it doesn’t bring me joy, then perhaps the relationship is not able to resonate on an interdependent and reciprocal frequency. Therefore, a need to let the relationship go or let aspects of it go while still giving a clear energetic message that I deserve honest relationships rooted in unconditional love and reciprocity. This includes all relationships not just familial or interpersonal, but also my relationship with my work and money, and so on. I’m finding as I genuinely love myself, then I invite more of the same into my life.
POEMS
The following poems describe my experience as the ‘over-giver’. The metaphor of the first poem was inspired by my personal experience with theater when watching my daughter perform on stage.
DRAMATIC MASK
A dramatic mask she wears, one with two faces.
A mask unknown to her, until now.
It has always been there,
she’s felt the sting of inauthenticity before.
She didn’t understand the dissonance at the time,
the intention is always to be loving and kind.
A role she played well;
the desire to please and shapeshift pending the ensemble,
overrides her authenticity time after time.
It is subtle this two-face mask,
almost undetectable.
The audience did not notice; the disguise entertained them.
She met their vibration, lowering any chance of conflict—
oscillating between the two sides of the mask,
an attempt to avoid disapproval
or worse to be discovered.
Pull back the curtain before her performance cue,
would unmask her authenticity—
the rawness, the edges, the curves, the corners,
the expansive space and glorious vibration
holding it all together.
Yet she knows,
her authenticity can no longer play the minor role,
no longer desires to wait backstage,
peering through the dramatic mask.
With a gentle pluck of the strings,
the mask is carefully removed, tossed behind her.
Exposed, liberated,
free of the burden to be applauded.
— Stacy L. Pintor ©
PHOENIX
I’m not doing enough,
lurks in the darkness,
in the most hidden corners of the mind.
A constant presence, a reliable undertone.
It shows itself often, usually when it’s quiet,
when there’s not much going on,
but space, time passing,
as I watch an external world
running on a hamster wheel.
A familiar response, quite a loyal thought:
If nothing is happening outside of me,
then I sure in the hell
will make something happen,
inside my head.
And it begins, endless ruminating,
a constant prickly buzz of worry, anxiety.
So critical, so damn judgmental,
of how I’m supposed to utilize my time,
this time,
when nothing is happening out there.
An effort to scavenge for control;
I suppose,
to see into the unknown.
Ironically, even with this chaotic mind,
I feel the yin to the yang.
Even beyond the dominance of fear,
I feel abundance, prosperity, opulence,
way beyond my wildest dreams.
The feeling overwhelms my internal world,
even tames the agitated lion prowling in my head.
A feeling that leads to a deep knowing.
A knowing all hopes and dreams
are just a smidgen past the horizon of fruition.
A knowing of pursuing a silly dream,
is already true.
How do I explain that to you?
It’s not you, it’s me.
I owe the explanation to
the little girl who always dreamt big,
but her dreams were dampened,
soured, put on hold,
because it didn’t meet their dreams for her.
She learned to put it aside, cover it up.
She was busy being everything,
for everyone else.
Her deepest desires, soul potential, infinite creativity,
left unfulfilled.
Abandoned by self-sacrifice, the need to please,
to transmute the energy drawn to her
for that’s the dependence of those around her.
Not anymore, my little one, we’re dreaming big!
Your desires dancing in my heart are felt.
All of them out there including this adult critic,
can go to hell.
What I mean, they can figure out how
to release their own bondages,
take care of their own discomfort,
all by themselves.
It ends now.
I am doing enough.
We are enough.
Step out of the smoldering fire,
our time in hell is done.
The phoenix is risen and blazes free.
— Stacy L. Pintor ©
Thank you for visiting my blog, I truly hope some or all of the soul healing practices do help you along your sacred journey and provide you some relief and ease.
Visit my website if you want to learn more about me and to check out my poetry, especially if you liked the poems above which are included in my poetry book, Alchemy of the Soul. You can also hear me read the first poem on my YouTube channel (link available on my website):
Thanks again for visiting and for your support. Stacy 💚
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The soul healing practices provided in this blog are meant as a tool to aid in healing, for improving mental and emotional health, and for inspiring self-transformation. The practices are not meant to be a form of psychotherapy or social work practice requiring a contractual, professional relationship. If you need consistent therapeutic care and/or crisis intervention due to being at risk of harming yourself or others, then seek professional and/or emergency services immediately.
The purpose of this blog is to share with you how I integrate my personal experience, spiritual growth and expansion, and past professional mental health experience in the form of soul healing practices. By sharing my experience, it is my hope it will provide a practical example of how to interrupt and lessen the cyclical energy of suffering and to elevate your soul.
These practices work best when you are ready to heal and expand. It is okay if you are not quite ready. Please be gentle and patient with yourself, seek outside help both professionally and personally as needed. You will heal and expand when you are ready. Sending you so much love, warmth, and compassion. Stacy 💚
© Stacy L. Pintor 2016. All Rights Reserved.
Revised and updated in 2025 by Stacy L. Pintor ©.
(No part of this blog may be reproduced without written permission from the author)
Bare Soul Healing Practices 